


I'm in Love Without You

by Julianesque



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asra Reflects on his Feelings, Asra Reflects on his Past, Asra's POV, Emotional Healing, Established Relationship, Fluff, Forgiveness, Julian's Route, Lots of soul-searching, M/M, Male Apprentice (The Arcana), Moving On, One Shot, Past Julian Devorak/Asra - Freeform, Past Relationships, Upright Ending, mutual respect, short fic, song-inspired fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 12:22:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20778497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julianesque/pseuds/Julianesque
Summary: Now, can you see, why you should get over me?Soon there will be someone else for you to learn to needYou loved him more and more as you stopped keeping scoreOf who I was and what we were and when we knew





	I'm in Love Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Asra takes time to reflect.
> 
> Fic inspired by FINNEAS' "I'm in Love Without You"

I never thought I would see the day where you fell into another's arms. I didn't expect you to pick up the pieces of your scarred heart and so wholesomely trust another with your fragile love. We knew nothing back then except the need to drown our pain with physical distractions, but maybe I did more than that to you. I couldn't love you when my heart yearned for another, tearing the fibers of my soul apart. Your body was my shelter to the harsh truth that Y/N was lost to me, lost in a place I couldn't yet go. I found comfort in bruising your hips, marking your pale skin each night you stumbled into the shop.

I found pleasure in reducing you to nothing but pitiful cries for more. I found pleasure in _hurting_ you, in using you in anyway I could to numb my pain. When I look back on it, maybe I was punishing you for his death. I was angry, I was hurt, I was lost without him, you were my last connection to the one who made my world turn. I blamed you back then, but you already knew that, you blamed yourself too. I was too lost in my grief to see you were hurting too, llya. You wanted more than I could give, but you still came to me and I still allowed you in those nights. I released my anger in the scrape of my nails against your shoulders and the bites littered across your chest until I couldn't feel anything. 

You never complained. You took everything I would give you hungrily, starved for another's affection because we both knew you couldn't love yourself. I took advantage of your vulnerability and willingness to please, I never felt guilty about it.. until recently. 

I didn't approve of your relationship with Y/N, I warned him against it. I was there when you first broke his heart that night, pushing him away as you do to everyone in your life. You were always dedicated to your own unhappiness and suffering, why didn't he see that? You hadn't changed, but you still managed to steal him away from me to the point of no return. I tried so hard to discourage Y/N from pursuing it but he was determined to prove your innocence, to love you. Why?

_Because no one else will_

The unwavering faith he had in you made my chest ache until I saw the look in his eyes, a look I had hoped would always be reserved solely for me. In that moment I knew he would never be mine, he loved you too much to see how I felt about him. I wanted to hold Y/N, to never let him go in a selfish attempt to keep him away.. but I couldn't. I realized it was never about what Y/N couldn't see, it was what _I_ couldn't. Ilya, we weren't perfect but you still wanted me, it didn't matter to you if I couldn't give you everything. You would look at me as if I had hung the moon, because I had been the only one to give you _something_. In the end we lost everything but bitterness and contempt, our hearts broken but for different reasons. 

I shattered my heart in two for Y/N. I gave everything for his life, for his _happiness. _My selfishness was in vain, it caused pain, it broke hearts and it spat venom._ I'm sorry Ilya, I'm sorry_ that I falsely fed into your need for love. You were never the one I wanted and I never should have been the one you needed. _I'm sorry_ I only watched when it broke you. 

I can see now the love Y/N shares with you. The smile on your lips when your shoulders brush together, the way your eye lights up when he walks into the room, or the not so subtle flush of your cheeks when he steals a kiss. You could never have that with me, and I can never have that with Y/N, but the resentment that should consume me is..gone. The pining that once left a gaping hole in my chest feels light, instead filled with unconditional love and understanding for a man who will always have my heart. I know you will care for him as I have, I can see how much you love him.

Faust slithers up my arm, her head tilting to the side in the corner of my eye as she flicks out her tongue. 

_Happy?_

"Yes, Faust, happy. I am.. happy now." I murmur, looking up towards the bright blue sky with a smile on my lips, a light breeze pulling at my hair. 

_Y/N, it is with my love for you that I am finally letting go._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if Asra is OOC, I tried my best with him!


End file.
